Taser Stun Gun

A CAUTIONARY TALE BY A RETIRED TEAMSTER — WHAT A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE.   LET THIS SERVE AS A WARNING TO ALL MEN!   **** As Edited by Glenn Cisco, a retired Teamster: (Fictional but Factual in Fairness — Names were not changed to protect the innocent.)

 Now for the Rest of the Story:

Safety has always been my concern, Mary works nights at Safeway in the bakery. Packing a pistol at work is out of the question.  Pepper spray on a windy night may not do the trick and fly into the wrong face!  
On May 9,  (Day Before Mother’s Day) – I spotted something in GI Joe’s “going out of business newspaper sale flyer” = A little taser caught my eye & sparked my interest. It would be something extra for Mary, beside flowers, on Mother’s  Day …    What I had come across was this little 100,000-volt, pocket or purse- sized taser stun gun. The effects of this taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!    I bought the device, brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries into the little taser and pushed the button. Nothing!    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Mary about those burn spots on the face of a stainless steel coffee mug.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?   There I sat in my “Lazy-boy” recliner, our dog Beanie looking on intently (trusting little soul) — while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Beanie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet old dog and might die from the shock.

But, if I was going to give this thing to Mary in order to protect herself against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in my camo sweat pants and a t-shirt, with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and that little tiny taser in the other. 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.   Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’  

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best: I’m sitting there, Beanie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it dip-stick, my reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.   I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.   I touched the prongs to my upper right thigh, pushed the button, and:   “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD – WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION – WHAT THE HECK?”

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the new white carpet, over and over and over again.   I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my family jewels were nowhere to be found, and my left arm was tucked under my body in the oddest position, a tingling in my legs?    Beanie was making the strangest growling sounds I had ever heard before, hiding under the fireplace ledge stone, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. * (Smart little Dog!)

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one simple note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!   You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor …   A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HECK — (WAY DOWN-UNDER)!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.My broken reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. My lazy-boy recliner was upside down and about 2 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right upper thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 8 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.   I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my family jewels.   I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!  

PS: MARY can’t stop laughing, she likes gifts, and I hope she won’t threaten me with it!    

 If you think learning is difficult, try being this darn stupid just once – A LIFE LESSON LIKE THIS, SHOULD (?) * TAKE CARE OF CURIOUSITY FOR AN ETERNITY! 

Be Safe, stay Sane and always learn from “other’s stupid mistakes.”

Spoken like a true man of the World — still in search of his long lost manhood … A Humble man!

‘In God We Trust’
* And our Soldier’s know how (and to whom) to use a weapon upon!